Chin Tactics

I know, it’s been a couple days, okay, a week, since you’ve heard from me. I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ve decided to just come out and say it: I got a job.

Cue the hallelujah chorus.

That’s all I’m going to say about that, for now. On to more pressing matters…


I’ve been thinking about chins recently and I’ve decided that you can tell a lot about someone based on their chin(s). There are many officially unofficial chin categories, which are defined below just because I want to do my part in making sure we all continue to judge each other based on appearances.

From the Official Organization of Chin Categorizations (OOCC):

Weak Chins
A Weak Chin is defined as a nonexistent chin, in which the nose and/or mouth sticks out significantly farther than the chin. People with Weak Chins can generally be seen walking around with toothpaste stains on their shirts, a common problem among those lacking sufficient chin-catching abilities. Despite assumptions that a Weak Chin would denote a weak personality, Weak Chin people have been known to have surprisingly sparkling personalities. Weak Chins are occasionally mistaken as massive overbites and often disguised with facial hair or plastic surgery. An example would be “South Park’s” Mr. Mackey or a Japanese Chin, a dog bred specifically for its weak chin which ultimately provides a better range for self-licking.

Pointy Chins
Pointy Chins are typically the result of a prominent jaw line that fails to round itself out causing the two lines to come together at a severe point. Unlike Weak Chin people, Pointy Chin people are usually the first to complain, and they look down their chin at most things, which is why evil fairytale characters are often drawn with Pointy Chins. Pointy Chins often give the face a heart-shaped appearance, or in rare cases, there are certain haircuts that give the chin a pointier appearance.

Pointy Chin Examples: Reese Witherspoon: Heart-Shape Pointy; Kate Gosselin: Bad Haircut Pointy; John Kerry: Politically Pointy.


Multiple Chins
The most commonly misunderstood fact about Multiple Chins is that only overweight people have them. This is a lie. A Multiple Chin is characterized by several overlapping rolls under the chin, which are large enough to be chins alone. Most people are capable of having Multiple Chins when they make a disgusted face; therefore it is difficult to attribute any assumed and completely false personality traits to this category.

However, it is important to clarify that while most babies have Multiple Chins, this is very different from, say, Mark Mangino’s Multiple Chins, which seem to be slowly eating his face and what remains of his former Bubble Butt Chin.

(Note: Multiple Chins can also be referred to as “Chin Cleavage” in the correct circumstances. See Hogan Knows Best and/or Brook Knows Best for examples of appropriate use of the term.)


Crinkly Chins
Although it is not very common to have a constant, naturally Crinkly Chin, I suppose it is possible in the same way it is possible for your “face to get stuck that way,” like your parents always warned. A Crinkly Chin is characterized by what would perhaps, in the kindest of interpretations, be referred to as a chin with multiple dimples. As he gets older, John Travolta is the closest human to having a naturally Crinkly Chin, which has caused some chin scientists to conclude that dimple chins can evolve into Crinkly Chins.

Based on the example pictured below, it’s safe to assume that Crinkly Chin people are extremely dynamic and creative individuals with a lot to offer the world.

Bubble Butt Chins
In order to define this category, we must dissect the terminology. First, the term “bubble butt” refers to “a large, rounded, but not fat, buttocks,” while the chin is defined as “the central forward portion of the lower jaw." When we combine the two definitions we get the definition for Bubble Butt Chin: a large, rounded, butt-like portion of the lower jaw. Bubble Butt Chin people tend to be humorous and concerned with what other people think. Jay Leno, who, according to totally legitimate anonymous sources, purchased a home on Martha’s Vineyard specifically for his chin, is a shinning example of a Bubble Butt Chin. Another example of a Bubble Butt Chin is Simon Cowell, who is constantly asking Paula Abdul if his v-neck makes his chin look fat.

Mole Chins
Made popular by fairytale witches, Mole Chins describe a chin that is dominated by a mole, or a growth resembling a mole. Now that we no longer burn witches at the stake, the chin mole has become increasingly popular in recent decades. Take Sarah Jessica Parker for example, who sported a big chin mole throughout the height of her career, playing Carrie on the popular HBO series Sex in the City. But just because it worked on Sex in the City doesn’t mean it will work in real life. This is a hard lesson we must all learn. SJP had her chin mole removed last summer, and now the world must find something else to stare at.

Hair Art Chins
This category is mostly specific to the male gender due to their ability to grow facial hair; however, there are many remarkable women out there with the same ability and to discount them would be unfair. Hair Art Chin people are typically, as the name would suggest, artistic, or they just have horribly unfortunate features and facial hair is their security blanket. Howie Mandel is the poster boy for Hair Art Chin people. Mandel has notoriously decorated his chin with a “flavor savor,” “chin curtains,” “circle beard,” “chin whiskers,” and “meticulous goatee.”

Those like Mandel are clearly committed to making their chins a form of expression, which has given chin theorists a new concept to study: overcompensating chin tactics.



While there are many other types of chins out there, the OOCC maintains that these are the seven main categories. It is the goal of the OOCC to awaken new insecurities about your chin and to generate chin awareness on a global scale through an arbitrary category identification system.

If you have questions or comments for the OOCC, the preferred method of communication is a message in a bottle by sea (too bad if you live in a land-locked state).





References:

1. Tollee, Fake. Let’s Talk About Chins, Dog. OOCC Publishing, 2009.
2. Chin, Sharpe. “Not By the Hair of My Chinny Chin Chin,” lecture. OOCC Conference, May, 2009.
3. Andrews, Erin. Exposed Chins of the Big 12. OOCC Publishing, 2007.
4. Dad, My. Lecture Series: "My Daughter Won’t Stop Making Ugly Faces." Privately Published, 1984 – 2009.
5. Travolta, John. Chins: The New Scientology. Tom Cruise Publishing Centre, 2009.
6. Anonymous Source to All Stars. Quoted, August, 2009.
7. Witch, Glenda The Good. A Witchy Chin. Oz: Ruby Slipper Books, 2008.
   
8. Daughtry, Chris. Bald On Top: The Art of Chin Hair. American Idol with OOCC Publishing, 2008.

Disclaimer: All information, “facts” and cited sources are completely fabricated. Duh.