Please answer the questions below to the best of your knowledge, filling out each line using legible print and not that bulls%#t chicken-scratch you picked up sometime in college.
The Preliminary Questions:
I. What is your age in years, months and days? ___________
II. What is the number listed on the barcode under your refrigerator?__________
III. What is your full name as written on your Library Card? _____________________________________________________
The Questions That Come After The Preliminary Questions:
1. Please calculate your BMI (Booty Mass Indicator) using this formula: Weight / (Number of Twinkies You Can Eat) x (Number of Seconds Your Thighs and/or Arms Shake After You Stop Moving) =__________
2. Do you have a steady and reliable job? _________
- 2a. If you answered ‘No’ to the above question: Are you as worthless as that might imply?______
- 2b. If you answered ‘Yes’ to the above question, please tear up this form and throw it away, then go look in the mirror and repeat the following mantra to yourself no less than 25 times: “I am special. I am capable. I am [insert your name].” Once complete, please initial here: _______
- a. The glass is half full most of the time.
- b. The glass is half full all of the time.
- c. The glass is half empty.
- d. The glass is bone dry and I am f$%&ing thirsty!
- e. Other (please write): ____________________________________________
6. If you had one wish, what would it be? Please select from the below acceptable answers:
- a. The ability to fly
- b. The ability to be invisible
- c. The ability to read minds
- d. To be rich and famous
- e. Other (please write): ____________(note: the line is short because no one actually cares)
- Wearing “Muscle Shirts”
- Seasonal Body Odor
- Ass-Kissing/Kiss-Assing
- Nepotism in Bowling
- Stealing Bottles of Tabasco Sauce from Chipotle
9. Your weekday lunch typically consists of: (please select from the options below)
- a. Peanut Butter & Jelly
- b. Canned Soup and Toast
- c. Raw Pasta & Styrofoam
- d. Fast-Food Value Meal
- e. Other (please write): ____________________
- a. People should be judged based on their Scrabble skills. ______
- b. Little People are funny. What? They are! _________
- c. Living on Unemployment is acceptable as long as you appear productive. ______
- d. Christian Bale’s next role should be to play Rosie O’Donnell in a Lifetime biopic._______
- e. 20 percent of your life is spent filling out forms and that sucks. _______
Thank you for completing this Unnecessary Information Form. We trust that you answered all of the above questions honestly and to the best of your ability. Now you can hurry up and wait for a response, or try to busy yourself with something else in an attempt to forget that you just wasted valuable minutes of your life filling out a completely pointless form that will be used for nothing worthwhile. Please note that any of the information you provided will not be kept confidential, and will likely be mocked by anyone who has the ability to read. If this bothers you, or if you have any other questions, please direct them to the next person that hands you a form to fill out.
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