The worst thing I ever did was buy a pair of light-up, doggie reindeer antlers for Bear to wear during Christmas. He ended up eating them, but only after I was able to snap some adorable pictures of him looking totally miserable.
But my own humanizing practices cannot compare to that of other idiot pet owners.
After an afternoon of dog people watching at the park, I started to wonder: why do some people talk to their pets in overly polite tones, as if they are trying to teach a child how to have better manners? Let’s be serious, your dog is never going to say, “excuse me” after barfing on the living room rug, and they’ll never open a door for you and say, “after you” in a sweeping gesture before running after that squirrel. But go ahead, keep speaking to them in an antagonizing, slow voice and hopefully someday they will bite your face off.
But I think the humanizing trend really begins and ends with cats. They are much easier to humanize than dogs. Take Kitty Wigs for example, a website that makes wigs for your cat to wear. My first reaction is to ask why the hell you feel a need to make your cat wear a blue wig—but then I remember the pair of doggie reindeer antlers and I think maybe I understand. Nevertheless, the Kitty Wigs website offers wigs in “Pink Passion,” “Bashful Blond,” “Electric Blue,” and “Silver Fox.” Each wig is about $50—$50?! Do you realize all the awesome stuff you could buy with $50? Of course you do, you’re not crazy.
The description for the Pink Passion wig says, “Pink makes your kitty feel elegant, modern and quintessentially feline.” Let’s get something straight, does a pink wig really make your cat feel “elegant, modern and quintessentially feline,” or does putting the pink kitty wig on your poor, defenseless cat make you feel “elegant, modern and quintessentially feline?” Or how about the description for Silver Fox wig: “Silver makes your kitty feel sexy and smart, like a cougar on the prowl.” So, with the Silver Fox wig, you and your cat can “prowl” the town looking for younger men with weird fetishes involving cats in wigs.
Thank god for the FAQ section of the Kitty Wigs website because I was beginning to think that this was all just a joke.
FAQ #1: Is this for real?
Answer: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Kitty Wigs are a fun prop to be used to enhance playtime with your feline friends. They're especially fun for photo sessions.
Now that we’ve established Kitty Wigs are, in fact, real—phew!—I am wondering how this wig for your cat can really “enhance” playtime. Are we really so selfish that we will torture our animals by taking away all their animalness for the sake of our own enjoyment? Okay, so it’s not really torture, it’s not really inhumane (does PETA know about this shit?), I guess it’s just another way for pet owners to express their loneliness—I mean, love.
Cat: Why do I have to wear a wig? I already have hair—an entire fur coat, actually—and you’re always complaining about the shedding…
Owner: Look at you, you look so pretty—totally like a human, only cat-like!
Cat: I am going to eat it.
Owner: No, no, no, don’t eat it—just sit there and look pretty. Good, kitty. See how this has enhanced our playtime? Oh, this is the best $50 I ever spent!
Cat: $50?! Are you f*%@ing kidding me?! Please tell me the proceeds go to a kitty cancer foundation…
Owner: Don’t you love your new pink wig? Don’t you feel elegant and modern? Yes you do! Yes you do!
Cat: Alright, I'm going to go play in traffic now.
So next time you see that “cute” pumpkin outfit for your dog, or you find yourself talking to them like a disobedient child, or you feel yourself rationalizing certain things by saying your cat or dog is just like you, think of Kitty Wigs and just say “NO!” to yourself.
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