"Booty Pop"

New inventions are happening everyday. This is something I benefited from until I woke up old one day. Now, every new invention feels like another thing to learn, another thing to spend money on and another thing that’s just a few years too late. Once you graduate from the limelight of the 18- to 24-year-old demographic and you’re no longer the apple of every retailer’s eye, you fall into the grey, ambivalent area of 25- to 34-year-olds and new products don’t really appeal to anything other than your bitterness. So when I came across Booty Pop, I assumed my reaction was like many other 25- to 34-year-olds: Seriously? WTF!



According to the commercial, Booty Pop will give you a “sexier, more desirable booty instantly,” and it’s just like a “padded bra for your butt!” Every claim made my heart sink deeper into my protruding gut. As a curvy female who is proud to have something to shake, even if it is her upper arm, I feel conflicted. Is this a sign that society has finally become accepting of women with curves, with imitation (or simulation) being the most sincere form of flattery? Or is this just another way for skinny girls to get ahead, by perpetuating an unrealistic body type? I settled on the latter because in a society where Kim Kardashian can be famous for more than 15 minutes because she has an ass big enough to have its own zip code, Booty Pop is anything butt a step in the right direction for women and body image.

As the commercial says, “Booty Pop turns a droopy derriere into a youthful looking, head turning, bootylicious booty,” it cuts to scenes of men checking out women’s asses in inappropriate settings because, how else would you know you look hot? No one seems to care about how all these newly bootyfied women are going to be wearing dirty underwear all the time, because, you know, cleanliness is a virtue second only to hotness.

At this point in my life, I see a commercial for something like Booty Pop and the 18- to 24-year-old inside of me giggles while the 25- to 34-year-old inside of me rolls her eyes, swallows a regurgitation of feminist theory, and bitterly reflects on the past. I have spent the last decade overeating in hopes of one day having an ass like JLo, so you can imagine my disappointment when – after nine years of hard work, dedication and a strict diet of doughnuts, McDonald’s, beer and cheese cubes – someone decides to go and invent padded underwear.

So, you know what Booty Pop? You owe me 20 pounds of cellulite.

(And I don't think it's a coincidence that "Booty Pop" is one dangerous typo away from being "Booty Poop.")

This Heat Is Hot

For those of you who don’t live nearby, and don’t watch The Weather Channel 24/7, it’s been impossibly hot in Kansas City. With 47 counties under excessive heat warnings, not even the notoriously hottest places in the world have come close to matching Kansas City’s paralyzing heat index of 110 degrees this week. I love hot weather, but most Kansas Citians do not; in fact, they are big babies about hot weather. I hail from the Southeast, which means I’m used to excessive heat and humidity so thick you feel like mold could grow on your forehead if you’re outside for too long. But people here go indoors and refuse to venture out when the heat gets too hot. I’m not saying it’s not hot, because it is, painfully hot, but it’s not like you’re going to evaporate if you go outside. Of course, I’m a huge baby when it comes to Kansas City winters, and everyone makes fun of me for not being able to handle myself in ice and snow, so it’s only fair for the tables to turn as the seasons change.

I can think of lots of things to do outside when it's hot, even when Gary Lezak and Brian Busby (our proud local weathermen) scare everybody by going into dramatic meteorologist mode with their you-might-die extreme weather reports (it’s tornado season, can you blame them for being a little eager?). To prove my point, I’ve created a list of activities for you and the family to enjoy, which wouldn’t be possible without this heat.

1. Make sweat angels. Lie on a concrete sidewalk or driveway and raise your arms up and down while pushing your feet in and out. Stand up and see whose angel last the longest before drying up.

2. Lemonade stands are so out. Make popsicles out of random stuff and sell them on the street (people will buy anything cold when it’s hot). Some ideas: toothpaste popsicles, ketchup popsicles, toilet water popsicles, and, my personal favorite, spit popsicles.

3. Buy a really crappy above ground pool. My neighbors did this and it has been a pleasure to look at that plastic blue siding all year-round.

4. If the “buying” or “above ground” part of #3 turns you off, grab a shovel and dig a hole in your back yard. It might take awhile for it to fill up with water, but when it does—oh boy, everyone’s going to want to play in your mud pool!

5. Decorate the sidewalk. Who needs chalk when you have sweat and food coloring?

6. Stand on top of an office building in the middle of the day and throw water balloons at people walking by who look really hot. They won’t say ‘thank you,’ but just know that’s what they really mean.

7. Fry an egg on the sidewalk. I don’t know, they do it in the movies and it always looks kind of cool. Once it’s fried, put it in an envelope and send it to KMBC or KSHB—Lezak and Busby will go crazy and it will totally make the evening news.

8. Buy a boat, park it in your driveway and sit in it. The rest is up to your imagination.

9. Go to a local “Cooling Center” and rub elbows with a sweaty homeless man.

10. Kansas City is the self-proclaimed “City of Fountains.” So, go swimming with some stone statues that spit water.

Disclaimer: Quinnterruption is not responsible for any of the repercussions of the activities listed above. No, seriously. Don’t even try to blame me if you get arrested, suffer heat stroke, or severe disappointment. The heat makes people crazy, and I have heat on my side—so, yeah, tell that to your lawyer.