Who Wears the Pants?

For those of you who don't know, I have a Soft-Coated Wheaten Terror, I mean, Terrier named Bear. In the eighteen months that we've lived together, Bear and I have developed an interesting relationship. Below is just a taste of our daily interactions.

(Cesar Millan, if you're reading this, we need your help - please come whisper to my dog! Also, we really want to be on TV, so...call me!)


[Scene: An angry human and incorrigible dog stand in a cramped kitchen. There is a garbage bag in the corner oozing its contents from a hole that has been gnawed into the side making the floor a sea of shredded trash.]

Me: DAMNIT BEAR!

Bear: You know, if I wasn’t so smart I would think my name was “Damnit Bear” by now.

Me: Seriously? You have to be kidding me!

Bear: What? It’s just a couple paper towels torn into a million little shreds…

Me: Look at this mess!

Bear: I was trying to teach you a lesson. You use way too many paper towels. It’s bad for the environment.

Me: You are a BAD BOY!

Bear: Relax—look, I’ll help you pick it up.

Me: NO! DROP IT! BAD!

Bear: Fine…I didn’t want to help anyway.



[A few minutes later…]

Me: We need to talk…

Bear: I know, except I can’t talk, remember?

Me: Just because you never see me wear pants, doesn't mean I don’t wear the pants in this house...do you understand?

Bear: Sure, yeah, whatever.

[Pause]

Me: Did you fart?

Bear: Uh…?

Me: No, you didn’t. Want to know why? Because I did…I’m the farter AND the pantsless pants wearer!

Bear: Well at least your title sounds convincing.

Me: Yeah…Who’s a good boy?

Bear: I am.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Bear: Me.

Me: Yeah? Is Bear a good boy?

Bear: Do we have to do this every time? I said, me—I’m a good boy.

Me: Yes you are! Now come lay down…

Bear: But I’m not tired.

Me: Lay down, Bear.

Bear: No.

Me: LAY. DOWN.

Bear: No treat, no lay.

Me: Fine.

Bear: Hey, where are you going?

Me: No, no...stay! Apparently I need to put on some pants.

If Bear Could Talk...

Morning

Bear: So, I've pretty much had to pee for ten hours now.

Me: ‘Ello, puppy! How’s my good little boy?

Bear: Fine. Let me outside before I piss on you.

Me: Want to go outside?

Bear: Yes, I’ve been trying to tell you this by whining incessantly and making as much noise as possible.

Me: Okay, come on, let’s go…

Bear: Finally.

Day

Me: Hi little guy! What are you doing?

Bear: I’m pretending not to hear you.

Me: Come here, Bear…

Bear: No.

Me: Bear. Come.

Bear: Still. No.

Me: Want a treat?

Bear: No! Wait...yes? Depends on the treat...get the treat and then we'll see.

Me: Come here, come get a treat!

Bear: Fine. But I’m getting up because I smell chicken, and not because you wanted me to...just so we are clear.


Evening

Bear: Are we going to go on a walk or what?

Me: Want to go on a walk?

Bear: Yes, but you’re taking forever to get ready.

Me: Okay, hold on while I put on my shoes.

Bear: So…now? How about now? Now can we go? Can we go now?

Me: Just a minute…

Bear: Okay, well I’m going to run around the dining room table over and over again as fast as I can until you’re ready…

Me: No, Bear! Stop!

Bear: Fine. I'm dizzy anyway. But now I’m going to tear apart this paper towel I pulled out of the trash when you weren't looking and leave the shreds all over the kitchen.

Me: What did you do? Bad boy!

Bear: You know, all you had to do was hurry up and take me on the damn walk and this wouldn’t have happened…this is really your fault.

Me: Ugh! Come on, we are going for a walk now before you can make another mess.

Bear: I win!


The Walk

Me: Bear, wait, stop, no, Bear—wait, slow down.

Bear: Wow, look at all these sticks! I need to find the biggest one I can and then try to carry it and refuse to let go of it.

Me: Bear! Sit! Stop! Drop it…drop—give me that!

Bear: Oh well, there will be more sticks…

Me: Good boy, good drop it. Okay, slow down, buddy…hey, Bear!

Bear: You know, a sit up or two might make walking me easier. To prove it, I’m just going to run around you until you’re all twisted up and look like an idiot.

Me: Damnit, Bear!

Bear: Ha!—Hey, what’s that?

Me: Leave it alone, Bear…

Bear: But what is this smell…I’ve never smelled anything like it, I need to know…

Me: Come on, Bear…

Bear: Another dog – hey! Hi! I’m Bear, what’s your name? Can I smell you? You smell weird…what’s that, an ear? Tastes like jerky, mind if I chew it?

Other Dog: I will cut you.

Bear: Whoa, man. Let’s be friends. I’m just curious, that’s all…

Me (to other dog owner): Sorry, he’s just a puppy, so he’s really curious…

Bear: Yeah, see? Curious. Now lift up your leg so I can smell under there…

Me: Come along, Bear. No...come on…BEAR! NO!

Bear: You're a real fun-killer, you know that?


Bedtime

Bear: I’m not tired; I’ve been sleeping for the last four hours.

Me: Time for bed!

Bear: But, but, but…I think I have to go outside…yes, I need to go outside now.

Me: Come on, let’s go potty once more.

Bear: Tricked you! Now I’m just going to run around out here while you stand by the door calling for me and waking up all the neighbors.

Me: Beeeeeaaaaaarrrrr! Come on, come inside…want a treat? Beeeeaaaaarrrrrrr!

Bear: Hahahaha! What a dumbass…

Me: (squeaky toy, squeaky toy)

Bear: Hey! That’s my toy! I want to squeak that toy! Give it to me!

Me: Ha—Gotcha! Time for bed now…

Bear: Fine, lady. You might have won this one, but tomorrow is another day!

Me: That’s my good boy…are you good boy?

Bear: Yeah, I’m a good boy. See my tail wagging? Now scratch behind my ears until I fall asleep.