For Christmas I was given two yoga mats. Yes, TWO yoga mats, and both are the exact same shade of “I hate exercise” purple. I can take a hint, so I spent January going to yoga class…twice. What? It was a REALLY intense two classes and it seemed fitting, given the two yoga mats.Since February I’ve been to yoga a few more times, but only because I now have a plethora of yoga mats and I need to determine which one is the best so that I can do something totally ridiculous with the others. After testing it out, I’ve realized that one of the new purple yoga mats is skinnier than I am and the last thing I need is my yoga mat making me feel like a doublewide on a narrow country road. The other new purple mat is quite nice, although it lacks the necessary squishiness to make me feel buoyant and light while downward dogging. And my other yoga mat is my old yoga mat, and it’s, well…it’s old. So I guess each mat has its own flaws but it doesn’t matter which one I keep, what does matter is what I decide to do with the extra two. Here are my ideas:
1. Send one to my sister, who will hate it and yell at me: “Whoa, bitch! Are you calling me fat?”
2. Use them as napping mats. Remember napping mats from kindergarten? I had one that was blue on one side and red on the other side and it folded up into a little rectangle. I miss nap time so hard. If yoga was more like nap time I would go everyday.
3. Watch Aladdin and sing “A Whole New World” while pretending the yoga mat is a magic carpet.
4. Use it as padding in the dog’s crate…for five minutes or until he chews it to shreds.
5. Pad the coffee table edges because it keeps attacking my shins in the dark.
6. Fashion them into a pair of riding chaps. Then find a horse to ride.
7. Make placemats. Then figure out why people use placemats.
8. Cut out hearts and cover them in glitter to make Valentine’s Day cards.
9. Freeze them. Whenever I don’t know what to do with something, freezing it always seems like a good way to not make a decision.
10. Donate the two extra mats to Haiti because that’s apparently what earthquake victims need. Forget about silly things like food, water, shelter and money - the people of Haiti need yoga mats!
Whatever I decide to do with the extra yoga mats I’m going to keep going to yoga, at least until my new student special runs out next week and they're all, “hey you can’t come to class unless you pay!” and I’m all, “watch me steal your yoga!” and they’re all, “we’re calling the cops!” and I’m all, “namaste, bitches!” and then I run away and find a new studio who accepts me and my napping mat.
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I live in yogaville - everyone I see is constantly carrying around their self-important little mat and water bottle like, "I'm all healthy and skinny and bendy and shit." I am totally making a bumper sticker that says, "Namaste, Bitches!" I'll credit you really tiny on the bottom.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. But I have to say I hated naptime in kindergarten. I was the only one who couldn't sleep. Guess that's why I enjoy Twitter so much...those people never sleep!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog randomly following fridayfollow links on twitter and wanted you to know that you made me laugh out loud (sitting by myself in my apartment). (And, it's always nice to know when people are actually reading your blog.) I adore the letter that you wrote to the mice in your house. I am so tempted to print that out and post it for the mice in my apartment. You have been bookmarked!
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Quinn, just do what I do: prominently display said yoga mat in your apartment, so visitors are impressed--or at least intimidated. Then use it to whack your significant other when he tells you you look "fine."
ReplyDeleteLittle Girl Big Glasses: I give you permission to bumper sticker me as long as you send me one...and a percentage of the profits (LOLJK!).
ReplyDeleteSC: Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you found me, I live to be bookmarked. Although, posting the letter to mice in your apartment might not do any good as literacy is yet ANOTHER area in which those rodents tend to fall short. I know, disappointing, but true.
ReplyDeleteAndee: Brilliant! I didn't even think about using the spare yoga mats as home decor! I've been looking for something to give my living room the illusion that I'm a healthy, mindful person. I was going to get a gym membership and frame it, but this seems like a much better idea.
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