Notice of Eviction

Dear Mice Living in My House,

I wanted to write you this letter to see if we might be able to reach an agreement regarding your stay in my house.

We have never met, but I’m almost certain I do not like you. Based on the few occasions in which you’ve been spotted, it has come to my attention that you exhibit none of the qualities I require for mouse tenants. For example, none of you are anything like the mice in Cinderella—you don’t sing, dance, make dresses, act as my confidant or turn into ponies to pull my pumpkin carriage. Additionally, you are not cute, cuddly or brave, and, again, you cannot sing, which tells me you’re nothing like Fievel, my second favorite mouse character (the mice in Cinderella being number one). You also do not have big round ears that I want to wear as a hat or cute, high-pitched voices, and you don’t have awesome friends like Donald Duck and Goofy, which means you’ve completely failed to be anything like Mickey and Mini Mouse.

Based on the top tier of my requirements, you are all complete disappointments; however, this is not to say you wouldn’t be welcomed in my home because few people, I mean, few mice meet all of the top requirements. Let us move on to the second, far more attainable, tier and see how you measure up. We will begin by acknowledging the fact that you’re not rats. This is a positive, but your lack of secrets and someone named Mrs. Frisby is not, meaning you’re nothing like your brethren in The Secret Rats of NIMH. To further support that point, you’re all cowards, constantly scattering from sight so that I’m left tormented by your sounds and questioning my sanity. Since I’m fairly certain most of you have set up shop under the refrigerator where you are living fat, happy lives, I assume none of you are anything like the brave mice in “The Rescuers,” my next favorite group of mice characters. Lastly, I do not have a cat, I have a slow-brained dog with A.D.D., which means you can’t be like Jerry, who is cute, adorable, funny and smart.

Now that we’ve established your failure to meet the criteria in the second tier as set forth in my requirements for mouse tenants, we can move on to evaluating your performance in the third tier. Your performance in the third tier matters very little as I’ve pretty much already decided I want to kill you, so this part is really just a formality. I've already noted that you're not rats and since I'm very aware of your presence, you obviously don’t have any ninja skills, meaning you have nothing in common with Master Splinter, which tells me you would be terrible at protecting me from danger. Next, I don’t see capes, or any other superhero gear hiding in the closet and none of you can fly, so you’re clearly nothing like Mighty Mouse. And finally, judging from your blatant, taunting strolls from behind the television and into the vents, I do not believe that any of you have the "shy, pleasant manner of a mouse" such as one Stuart Little.

Since you have failed to meet all of the requirements in my three tiers of acceptable qualities found in mice tenants, it is only natural for me to assume that you also have nothing in common with the Dormouse from Alice in Wonderland, Despereaux from The Tale of Despereaux, or Chuck E. Cheese.

Based on this thorough evaluation, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that you are no longer welcome in my home, yes, that’s right, not even in the basement. Your eviction will take place immediately and you will be given one week from today, that is seven days, to evacuate. Failure to evict within the allotted time will result in your forceful removal from the premises, which may or may not be fatal. It is not the wishes of the establishment to inflict harm on you or your belongings; however, we did go to Home Depot, and, well, we’re just saying, you’re totally screwed if you don’t leave on your own because some of us didn’t see the point in providing you with a proper eviction notice before, you know, “taking care of you” (you’re lucky I believe in fair housing and equal opportunity, even for disgusting rodents).

I urge you to comply with this invitation to leave peacefully. I would also encourage you to appeal this eviction notice, but lacking all of the important anthropomorphic features noted above, I doubt it is even option. Should you have any questions, I suggest you learn to talk.

Best wishes for a bright future!

Sincerely,
The Human You’re Really Pissing Off