Networking: Just Be Yourself...Well, Not Really

Networking? Bring the cheese.

I feel about networking the same way I feel about bowel movements: everyone does it, but that doesn’t mean we need to embarrass ourselves by talking about it.

I get it. A gazillion people have already told me. Networking is important. No, seriously. I get it. If we could all just admit that networking makes us act like complete asshats, then I wouldn’t have such an issue with it. But instead, it’s like a marathon to see who can shake the most hands and collect the most business cards so they can send out a series of emails in the next 24 hours that look like this:

Hi, Important Person at a Company I Want to Work For!

I hope you had a swell time at that mixer last night. The appetizers were really delicious. Anyway, I enjoyed talking your ear off about myself. I recall you saying that you liked my scarf, and I wanted to let you know that it is available at any Target in the metro area (in case you wanted to get one and then we could be scarf buddies!!!). Also, I wanted to make sure you had all of my contact information in the event that a job opens up at your company or somewhere else that’s cooler because my interest in you is really limited to what you can do for me. So with this in mind, I’ve attached my resume which will only solidify your opinion of me as a completely mediocre candidate, and here is my website in case you’d like to see some samples of all the entirely irrelevant work I’ve done.

Thanks again, I hope you have a great day, and if there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate to contact me to kiss your ass until it falls off.

Sincerely,
Jobless Networking Asshat


Every article I’ve read and every speaker I’ve heard talks about networking being the most vital part of the job search in a down economy. But no one ever tells you that networking involves schmoozing like a used-car salesman. No one ever tells you that you’ll have to feign a knowledge of sailing and pretend to be fascinated by a boat named “Hoosier Daddy” because it belongs to the VP of the company you’ve sent your resume to 85 times. No, the only thing people ever tell you about networking is “be yourself,” but this is not what they really mean because networking is not something you would do if you were to “be yourself.” Am I right?

In the course of my job search, I’ve realized that any time recruiters or job search gurus say, “just be yourself” what they really mean is “just act like you’re being yourself.” How could they really mean “be yourself” when they just gave you a list of acceptable phrases to use in an interview, a list of acceptable 140-character Tweets, and an example of an acceptable Facebook page for you to use as a guideline? And then they tell you something like, “ always appear positive,” to which I always want to say, “appearing positive would really mess with my personal branding message,” because personal branding is a $100 word in the job search world.

The worst part about losing my job wasn’t the loss of financial security, health insurance or daily purpose, it was knowing that I would have to listen to endless amounts of hypocritical job search babble like, “be yourself” and “networking is the key to getting your dream job.” It’s kind of like when your parents talk about things like sex or drugs or the Internet and you suddenly feel like your ears are going to start bleeding.

I’m still in my first trimester of unemployment, but if things keep going the way they are now, and I’m forced to listen to more people talk about the job search, the importance of networking and tell me how to be myself, I am afraid that I might become a robot—kind of like a Stepford Wife only I’d be called Prospective Employee #13,976,345.